As the year comes to a close, we often become introspective about life and the year ahead. As I grow older, one truth is for sure. Time is the most important gift we can give others or ourselves. Time well spent on wellness, friendship, family, being productive and sometimes just being still with nature, — it’s all good.
One thing experiencing deafness has taught me is that there is a value to sitting still in the quiet and coming to terms with problems both large and small. Sometimes we need to pause before we can move on to the next dimension in our lives. It is in those moments that we find solutions.
In this hurried world, it is hard to believe stopping to refresh our thoughts is a productive state. But it is sometimes necessary especially as we grow older.
Babies are born. We see people we love struggle with illness and pain. People die. We must always keep the torch burning and share some light with others, especially in their time of need.
How do we measure time? We are all here for just a brief nanosecond. More and more, I want every second to count. I don’t think most of us realize early on how quickly life passes or that life can change in a second.
Sometimes life happens in the simplest of moments.
I for one love to go out in the woods to just listen to the language of the tiny animals, watch diffused sunlight move through the trees, smell the autumn air or feel the crunch of snow under my feet. Somehow, that’s where everything comes into focus. Just me, the forest and the tiny critters.
The ocean seems to be the place most people will go for solitude or reinvention. I’ve always felt that may be because it may take us back to the safety of our first journey in amniotic fluid before taking our first breath. When my hearing loss accelerated and I no longer could hear the waves crashing, I felt like the Earth had lost its rhythm or heartbeat. I felt disconnected for a long time until I could hear those sounds again.
We are far more connected to nature than we realize. Just a day off from the office and into the woods will remind us that there is so much more going on in this world than the frenzied pace we are used to. We are only part of the equation.
I remember a few years ago, one of the professors I worked with decided to retire. When everyone asked him what he wanted to do in retirement his answer was simple. He wanted to spend more time sitting under his favorite tree. That’s all. But he didn’t get to do that very much when he was working.
Whenever the year comes to a close, like many people, I ask myself where am I going? How can I be a better person? What matters? But this year I am challenging myself to the question, “How will I spend my time in the coming year?”
Maybe it’s good to live our lives like every day is our only day. We spend so much time on trivia. Here’s to the coming year and time well spent.
Do certain sounds of the season evoke fond memories from another time? Perhaps they signal the beginning of the holiday season?
When I was growing up, if my mother pulled out her 33 RPM record with Nat King Cole singing The Christmas Song, I knew Santa was soon to be on his way. Hearing the clink of ribbon candy hitting the bottom of her Depression-era glass candy dishes meant she had finally completed the last measure of preparation and decorating. Later on, we would hear the sound of the tension springs on the oven door as she pulled delectable goodies from the oven.
Here are some sounds of the season that are special to me, past and present:
Hearing the organist at Radio City Music Hall play holiday tunes
The sound of heavy, crunchy snow under my boots
Hearing someone feverishly ripping off wrapping paper and hearing in their voice how happy you made them for picking out something special
Playing Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano over and over because it’s a feel-good tune
Ditto for Brenda Lee’s Rocking Around The Christmas Tree
Hearing the Salvation Army ring their bell and knowing there are still good people who take the time to care about the downtrodden
Hearing my grandson sing Jingle Bells with his Pre-K class with enthusiasm– children are the ray of hope for the world
Taking the time to go see The Nutcracker, and enjoying the music
Bumping into someone dear while shopping, and having a special catch-up chat
Staying up until midnight on December 31 to hear 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1…Happy New Year! and watching people all over the world celebrate new beginnings
The clink of two glasses toasting and celebrating all that was and all that we hope for in the coming year
What are some of your favorite sounds of the season? I’d love to hear from you!
May you have reasons to enjoy the season. Here’s wishing you hope, peace, joy and many reasons to feel gratitude.
I remember back in 1989 when I received my first closed captioning machine. My family and I sat in front of the television waiting for the machine to shoot out words by newscasters, TV sitcoms or documentaries. The machines were slow and sometimes they produced garbled or incorrect stories that made no sense. But I was grateful to have the opportunity to watch television again. Of course since 1990 all TVs 13″ or larger are required to include a closed-caption option and this soon made the devices obsolete. In the decade that preceded my closed-captioning experience I watched little television. Many shows were not captioned, and I had difficulty following the words even with assistive devices.
I also had trouble hearing on the telephone, so that created struggles both in the workplace and with staying connected with friends and family. Few people understood about the relay and TTYS. Today, there are several companies that offer captioning for both landline and cell phones. Smartphones have helped to keep Deaf and hard-of-hearing people connected. Some doctors now allow notifications by text or email.
Forget music. I just couldn’t make it out before I received my cochlear implants. It was like I was living in a silent movie.
When I think back to times when my children were growing up, with every year that my hearing loss accelerated, I was inclined to tune out more and more. That was not fair to my family and counterproductive to effectively communicating.
I did my best to “pretend” I was a person who could hear well in the workplace. Some of my work experience includes being an executive assistant who took dictation over the phone from anywhere in the country, event planning that required I function and communicate well at social events in well-known NY City hotels, being the world’s worst real estate agent, working in the time-sensitive corporate world and finally being a college professor with over 30 students in each classroom. By the time I came home from work I was exhausted. There is tremendous energy required for a person with hearing loss to function in a hearing world. At the end of the day, as ironic as it sounds, many people just want to go into a silent world. But that’s no excuse!
One of the hardest things in my opinion is socialization with hearing loss. Hearing loss is often misunderstood, and people don’t know how to react. Some shout at us, others over-annunciate their words. Some say “Never mind” when we don’t hear what is said. Frankly, there are some who find it too much work to communicate with us, but let that be their problem. There are plenty of good people in the world, and we must pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.
We now know that isolating ourselves can cause depression, cognition issues and affect our interpersonal relationships. It does get hard, but hearing loss is a sink-or-swim issue. Stay connected or you will likely suffer repercussions in every area of your life.
After reflecting on all this I have concluded that I am guilty of what so many of us are guilty of. Without realizing it, we resort to a world of solitary confinement. If we truly want to stay connected with our interpersonal connections, in the workplace and with friends, we must reach out, take chances, and be a self advocate. Are you self-imposing a life of solitary confinement because it is easier?
Today, there are so many solutions to improve the quality of life of persons who struggle with hearing loss. In a future blog, I will talk about some of those products and solutions. In the meantime, stay connected and keep listening to all the sounds of life.
It seems every week there is a new report linking hearing loss to a host of diseases and conditions. Why did it take us so long to realize whatever happens to one part of the body often affects other areas?
Homeostasis– The tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes (www.dictionary.com)
For starters, most of us who have worn hearing aids have foot the bill out of our own pockets for decades. It seems the insurance industry did not make the connection between hearing loss and how it can affect overall health. That is unfortunate. Expensive for us, and perhaps in the end expensive for them if you count the number of people who have not treated hearing loss over the years because it was cost-prohibitive if the connection to disease is correct. Everything we do, every emotion, every small action contributes to our homeostasis.
There are studies going as far back as the 1960s that have studied hearing loss and coronary heart disease. Samuel Rosen and Pekka Olin working out of The Mount Sinai Hospital and New York Eye and Ear Infirmary published an article entitled Hearing Loss and Coronary Heart Disease. They studied members of the Mabaan tribe in southeast Sudan and compared them to Americans in industrial areas of the United States. Diet and stress in America were compared to the simple life and diet of the Mabaan tribe and their quiet surroundings.
In 2014 Dr. Frank Lin, M.D. Ph.D published an article Hearing Loss Linked to Accelerated Brain Tissue Loss. In this article, Dr. Lin discussed the link between dementia and “fast-track” brain shrinkage in older adults.
According to the American Diabetes Association (www.diabetes.org), hearing loss is twice as common in people with diabetes as it is in those who don’t have the disease. With 86 million adults in the U.S. who have pre-diabetes, the rate of hearing loss is 30 percent higher than those with normal blood glucose. Still, the connection remains unknown.
In a WEBMD article penned by Kathleen Doheny, hearing loss is associated with depression in American adults, especially women and in both sexes younger than age 70.
If that isn’t enough, some statin drug studies have implied a possible connection between hearing loss and using the drugs. Some diuretics such as hydrochlorothiazide are suspected of increasing the chances of diabetes as well as one beta blocker drug. So the new question would be, is there also a prescription drug connection to inducing these conditions and/or hearing loss? Either way, these drugs are often life-saving solutions to an immediate and bigger danger.
So what can we do to be proactive?
It seems the same healthy diet for heart disease, diabetes and other conditions is prescribed for overall health. What role does sugar, salt, unhealthy fats play in hearing loss and other conditions? There are many books out there that discuss these conditions and optimum health. Some of my favorite ones are by Dr. Andrew Weil (drweil.com), Dr. Mark Hyman (drhyman.com), Dr. Dean Ornish (www.deanornish.com), Dr. David Perlmutter (drperlmutter.com) and Dr. William Davis (wheatbellyblog.com). Mark Bittman (markbittman.com) has written some good cookbooks with healthy recipes.
Get a complete physical.
Exercise not only keeps the arteries healthy, it helps to move glucose into the right places and out of your body. In addition, it has been shown to improve mood and lessen depression.
Meditate. Find a quiet place after a busy day. This may seem odd to say as choosing amplification over silence is theoretically one of the best ways to keep an active and healthy brain. But at the end of the day, amplification can be tiring as anyone with either hearing aids or cochlear implants will tell you. Controlling stress is equally important.
Stay connected. We are so lucky to be living at a time when there are captioned phones, captioned TVs, amplifying and flashing devices, captioned Broadway shows and movies, amplifying devices in museums and state-of-the art accessories for both hearing aid and cochlear implant users.
Take a chance. Try something new. Be an active participant in your own story. Keep a journal. Read good books that inspire you to be your best you.
Get a dog. Some preliminary studies have shown having a dog can affect blood pressure positively, improve mood and overall well being. You might want to look into getting a service dog with Canine Companions for Independence (www.cci.org) or Dogs for the Deaf (www.dogsforthedeaf.org).
Don’t get discouraged. People with hearing loss have the same needs as those who don’t, — family connections and positive interpersonal relationships, good friends, good times, respect in the workplace and last but not least, a good belly laugh. Find a reason to laugh every single day.
The best way we can use this information connecting these conditions to hearing loss is to consider it a heads up and do everything we can to prevent or control these conditions and be positive.
It was a busy time for me at my job. During the day, I was a full-time employee at our local College, and by night I was teaching three undergraduate courses to adult learners. In between, I was a contracted employee helping out with student advisement.
I’ve always been reluctant to take time off during a busy period, but I was coughing, losing my voice and wished I could just crawl into bed with a box of tissues. Being a stickler for attendance, I have gone as long as two years without taking a sick day. In retrospect, I’m not sure that was always a good thing.
But I rationalized that it would be just a few more days until I would go on vacation with my daughters, Valerie and Melissa. It was Valerie’s 30th birthday, and we planned a trip to Puerto Rico. I imagined myself sitting under a palm tree, with bright sunshine and perhaps a pina colada with a tiny umbrella in hand. I was certain the warm sunshine and a little rest would remedy this bad cold I couldn’t seem to shake.
Upon landing, I noticed I felt a little heady. It was a feeling similar to being underwater. My first thought was that it was a temporary result of the cabin pressure.
My right ear has always been my good ear, even though otosclerosis has permeated both of my ears. My left ear received a stapedectomy years ago, and it temporarily gave me back some of my hearing. Otosclerosis is an abnormal growth of the middle ear bones which causes them to become fixated and reduces the transmission of sound. Because of the otosclerosis, I have a mixed loss in both ears. Despite all of this, with hearing aids my loss was diagnosed as moderate to severe until 2005.
Shortly after we arrived in our beautiful hotel room in San Juan overlooking plush greenery and a pool with sapphire water, I noticed the red light in the hotel room phone was flashing. I placed the phone to my right ear to listen to messages. I thought it was odd that there was no dial tone, but I assumed my hearing aid battery just died. After changing the battery, still no dial tone. The message was beginning to register, but I was still in shock. I placed the receiver up to my left ear, which I never used for phone conversations, and I heard a faint dial tone. I sat there for a minute in disbelief.
My family members have always been my greatest advocates, and although they did everything they could to try to help me communicate, I was grouchy, touchy, depressed and yes scared. It rained every day while we were there, and it seemed fitting.
Upon returning to New York, I visited an ENT doctor who went the usual route in giving me Prednisone with the hope that the loss was temporary. But he did warn me that it was probably permanent because with this drug you must act fast.
I visited my local audiologist and she tested my hearing over a period of weeks. I remember feeling a strong vibration that was painful when she was testing my residual hearing. But no sound. I did see a look of horror on her face and saw her look at me and exclaim, “Mary!” She then came around to where I was seated and hugged me. I was now profoundly deaf in that ear. A hearing aid only provided hissing that only interfered with my ability to hear on the other side.
So this would be my new normal. I had difficulty following in meetings at work. Trying to continue with heavy phone use was a real stressor. I had trouble functioning in a classroom of 30 students. I resented I could not participate in social activities with friends. At family dinners I focused on eating because I could not hear what was going on. Food became a form of instant gratification and I found myself retreating more and more. I found a comfort zone in isolation. Realizing this, well that was my wake-up call.
After anger, denial and a lot of other emotions, I went into the City and visited a few doctors asking for their opinion on how to go forward. That’s when I started searching for peer-reviewed research articles on otosclerosis and cochlear implantation, and I learned many others had been successfully implanted. When I met Dr. J. Thomas Roland, I knew he would be the one to operate on me for my implant. He had operated on others with this condition, and I liked how he explained to me how Cochlear Americas had different arrays for difficult situations, and all options would be ready and available in the operating room. Despite all this, my surgery was uncomplicated and a standard array was used.
One day, after being activated, I took a walk down by the water in my hometown, New Rochelle, NY. Glen Island Park is a pretty shore area with a drawbridge, gazebos, a sandy beach, grassy slopes, hills, tiny sailboats and larger ones passing through when the guard lifts the gate. One of the rites of summer was to hear the ding, ding ding warning for the bridge to rise, and to see the guard wave to those crossing under the bridge. I have many coming-of-age warm memories of Glen Island, — the smell of Coppertone tanning lotion, transistor radios playing doo wop, cute boys with winning smiles and lifeguards in dark sunglasses.
So, there I was just walking across the drawbridge with my 3G, the first behind-the-ear (BTE) processor Cochlear Americas marketed. I stopped midway. I was in awe. I heard the waves rippling for the first time in years! I heard ducks quacking as the waves rippled below. There I was, hanging my arms over the bridge, my face looking down as tears streamed from my eyes. These were the sounds I missed so much from summers past. I felt like someone just gave me oxygen and I was breathing for the first time in a very long time.
Then I became aware of a car slowly crossing the bridge, looking towards me. Perhaps he saw how emotional I got and thought I was going to jump? Then I felt myself laugh at the irony of it all and continued to exit the bridge.
Since then, I have lost the hearing in my left ear and opted to go bilateral. Two ears are better than one because they help to localize sound. So much has changed since I received that 3G processor years ago. With new accessories I can once again watch TV, go to the movies, listen to music and participate in a conversation with my grandson. While these may seem like simple pleasures, it’s been a long time and I’m feeling very grateful to be experiencing life again in living color.
Views expressed here are my own. Consult your hearing health provider to determine if you are a candidate for Cochlear technology. Outcomes and results may vary.
In an old re-run of the Sex and the City series, Candice Bergen plays Carrie’s single boss. She laments to Carrie that the older man in her life should be seeking women his own age, and that every time an older man seeks an younger partner, the pool gets smaller for her and other older women. This statement represents a belief held by many older women.
I married my high school sweetheart. A few years after being widowed, I started dating again. Wow was that ever a shock for me to see what dating was like at 56! I can’t say there aren’t good and nice men out there. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there. But as mama says, you can’t hurry love. I have often looked up to the sky and wondered what my husband would have thought of some of the crazy men I have dated. I then imagine him looking back down at me shaking his head and asking, “Where did you meet that guy?” But someday, if we meet again, I have a lot of stories to tell.
Admittedly, the first man I dated I broke up with because I simply wasn’t ready. Not his fault. He WAS a good guy. It’s just some of the random experiences in between then and now that if anything have made me more aware, and yes given me a few laughs.
Take the hairstylist who always wanted to know if I was seeing someone. Bingo! She knew a man who wore hearing aids, was my age and loved traveling all over the country in his RV, — something I would like to do someday. There’s a lot of truth to the fact that we who have hearing aids or cochlear implants sometimes communicate differently, and it takes a special person to understand that. But that is where the similarity between me and this man ends as I soon learned. We arranged a meeting.
He took me to a top-rated restaurant and called ahead to ask for seating that was conducive to my hearing loss, which was far worse than his. Nice. Then after telling him I was trying to lose weight so I was going to watch what I ate, he ordered plate after plate of appetizers, insisting that I taste them all. I’m sure he meant well. But he spent the whole night lamenting about how his second wife left him, — taking most of his assets before leaving. He never asked me anything about my life. He just talked nonstop.
Then there was the guy who really tried to come into my world of profound hearing loss by learning sign language for those times I might need a little extra help. That really touched my heart. But he didn’t know how to talk to wait staff, and returned just about every meal he ordered out with statements about how poorly the food was prepared. As the mother of a professional chef, I didn’t digest that well, no pun intended. Then one night, he asked me to close all the lights in my house because he “borrowed some money from some bad people” who were after him. My home is not a stakeout! I later learned his his ex-wife was also after him for child support payments.
By now, I had already received my first cochlear implant. How about the guy who wanted to know if my hearing would get worse? I told him I did not come with a warranty. Besides, he had a life-threatening illness. What if I asked him about that? Wouldn’t it be rude? Truth is, my hearing DID get worse. I now wear two cochlear implants. So what?
Now this really gets good, or bad might be a better word. I met this guy who was widowed like me. Had two kids. Brought me flowers. Not one dozen, but two dozen on the first date. Took me to the top of the Rock and on a dinner cruise around Manhattan in the same day. Took me on a helicopter ride around Manhattan another day and to see the Rockettes perform the Christmas show. We ate in the best of restaurants and had a lot of fun together. And then he planned a picnic upstate because I mentioned loving to photograph cows. But he got into foul moods sometimes without explanation. He was a no-show for New Year’s eve, and he told me he punched the TV when he found out the diagnosis of his new dog was “deaf.” I said, “The dog is dead?,” when he called me on the phone. He said no, “THE DOG IS DEAF!” So now he had a deaf dog and and a deaf girlfriend. So his behavior prompted me to do a Google search on him. It turned out he had a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, and he had an arrest for driving down the street the wrong way in another state under the influence. He didn’t drink or show evidence of drugs when he was with me, except the moods. But I attributed it to the grief that comes when we have lost a spouse. When I read about his abuse and knew how I trusted him, my whole body shook. I had to sit down and process it. Although he was of Russian/Jewish heritage, he put down on the record I found on Google that he was Cambodian. He must have been flying high!
Then there was the profoundly religious man 10 years my junior who loved my silver tresses. He would call me on the phone at night when he got out of work and talk to me, — for four hours on average. We talked about life. About God. He quoted Biblical passages. He even told me after his marriage failed he was considering converting to Episcopalian to become a priest. He opened doors, paid for everything, and I even invited him to meet my children on Christmas eve. Then he started acting weird. So, once again this prompted me to do a Google search on him, which I should have done in the first place. Trust is earned. Well, not only did he already have another girlfriend when he met me, but she created a blog warning other women to stay away from him. This woman never knew I existed, but if I ever met her I would have thanked her for not letting me get into this any deeper.
Some of the funniest experiences I have had have been through online dating. Men lie about their age. When you meet them in person, they don’t look anything like their picture. I never went out with anyone who didn’t post a picture. Show your face if you have nothing to hide. Then there is the type who has no picture, no profile information but just messages you with a phone number. Huh? What is there to love about someone who won’t be transparent? Then there is the type that posts a profile like it is a resume listing all their accomplishments since the Beatles came to town, letting us know they were at Woodstock and that everyone thinks they are really perhaps 35 or 40. Right!
At the end of my work life, I was an adjunct professor of English. I taught writing and research courses, and I found myself mentally marking up online profiles with that little red pen in my head. If you are going to lie, use spellcheck!
Here are some examples:
“I went to collage.”
“I am a docter.”
“I like feminine woman who wear colon.”
Then there is the actual meeting. One guy I was suppose to meet at Panera Bread for coffee, suddenly stepped out from a hidden doorway when he saw me. Was he going to slip away if he didn’t like what he saw.
As far as ethnicity is concerned, the beauty of this age is that we are not out to impress anyone or satisfy their limitations. We date whomever we wish to date, and many of us care more about mutual values than background. Diversity can only enrich our experience. To each his own, but a dedicated, loving partner trumps differences.
I have since given up on online dating, although I know some who have had good experiences. But I haven’t given up on love. They say you will meet someone when you least expect it. It’s always nice to have a partner. That is the highest compliment you can pay your partner who has passed because it means they gave you a wonderful example of what love SHOULD be.
In the meantime, someday if my husband and I do meet again in the hereafter, I have some funny stories to tell him.
We’ve all been present at some time or another when someone makes a hurtful comment about hearing loss. Often, these comments imply hearing loss and aging go hand in hand.
“The ears are the first thing to go, haha.” How many times have we heard this?
Sometimes we witness people imitating a nineteenth-century horn placed in the ear or cupping the ear imitating how we look when we struggle to hear.
Over the years, one of the main reasons I have heard friends or family give when they are resistant to getting help is the negative stereotype society has placed on wearing these devices. We’ve all seen the advertisements claiming the manufacturer has the smallest device to offer, almost invisible! Finally, the industry has realized that a plastic flesh-colored instrument still looks like a hearing aid. Both the hearing aid and cochlear implant manufacturers have realized that many people really want something that is small or similar to mainstream Bluetooth devices.
Is there any truth that hearing loss is a sign of aging? The short answer is sometimes. Babies are born everyday who are deaf. Sometimes, children who are born deaf have multiple disabilities, and sometimes being deaf is their only disability.
Let’s talk about the adult population. Here are some interesting facts about hearing loss, disease and aging:
“Age-related hearing loss (presbycusis) is the loss of hearing that gradually occurs in most of us as we grow older. It is one of the most common conditions affecting older and elderly adults.” (nidcd.nih.gov)
“A recent study found that hearing loss is twice as common in people with diabetes as it is in those who don’t have the disease. Also, of the 86 million adults in the U.S. who have pre-diabetes, the rate of hearing loss is 30 percent higher than in those with normal blood glucose.” (diabetes.org)
“Studies have shown that a healthy cardiovascular system–a person’s heart, arteries and veins–has a positive effect on hearing. Conversely, inadequate blood flow and trauma to the blood vessels of the inner ear can contribute to hearing loss.” (better hearing.org)
Having a stroke may damage the areas of your brain related to hearing–this can cause hearing loss. (www.nhs.uk)
Dementia – Many of us who belong to the Hearing Loss Association of America (www.hearingloss.org), have had the opportunity to hear Dr. Frank Lin speak. Dr. Lin, as an assistant professor at John Hopkins and an otologist and epidemiologist studies the effects of hearing loss in older adults. According to an article in the January 15, 2015 Chicago Tribune, “A 2011 study of some 600 older adults found that those with hearing loss at the beginning of the study were more likely to develop dementia than adults with normal hearing. In fact, the more severe the hearing loss, the more likely they were to develop dementia; volunteers with mild, moderate and severe loss were two, three and five times more likely to develop dementia than those with normal hearing. (chicagotribune.com)
I found this interesting because as we age, our metabolism slows down: In a 2010 study, Shinichi Someya, et al found that a caloric restriction extends the life span and health span of a variety and species and slows the progression of age-related hearing loss. The study implies this may be true in mammals. (journals.plos.org)
There are other areas of our well being that hearing loss can affect. Many people with hearing loss are isolated, depressed, lack socialization and connections, and all of these can affect our homeostasis. As some of this research implies, the ear is not an isolated part of our being.
Finally, to get back to the beginning of this article which references jokes about the ears being the first thing to go, countless studies by health professional such as gerontologists, hospice workers and others will tell you at the end of life, hearing is the last sense to go.
“Most people with a terminal illness become unconscious in the last few hours or even days before death. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t know you are there. Many palliative care and hospice professionals will tell you that hearing is often the last sense to go at the end of life. ” (m.webmd.com)
Well after your loved one can no longer speak, he or she can still hear you say, “I love you.” (m.webmd.com) I think that’s pretty amazing.
A trip down to the shore just to listen to the waves crashing
Seagulls gliding through a blue sky, singing in their own unique language
Being able to hear the words, “I love you”
Walking through the woods and hearing the chatter of all the tiny critters and nature at its best
Celebrating a birthday and being able to hear the people I love sing the birthday song
Crickets singing their slumber song after a weary day
The heartbeat of the people and puppies I love
The intonation and emotion in someone’s voice and words
That clinking sound of two glasses and the words “cheers”
Doing my happy dance around the kitchen table to the tunes of my youth
Being able to hear the words “everything will be alright”
Hearing Auld Lang Syne at the stroke of midnight and knowing the world is rejoicing in the birth of a new year with me
Being able to talk on the phone and laugh and cry about life with friends and family
Being able to talk to my three-year-old grandson, and each of us being able to know and love each other through words
Just being part of the world around me and using all of my senses
How could the day go by without acknowledging the work of Graeme Clark who developed the “Bionic Ear” and Chief Scientist, Jim Patrick of Cochlear Corporation www.cochlear.com? All these wonderful sounds would never be possible for me without their hard work and dedication to our cause.
Do you ever look at someone and try to imagine who they were as a child or as a young adult?
Each of us has a story, with many chapters. In a few weeks I will celebrate my 70th birthday. For many of us, there are many versions of our “self” that include a younger version and the one that will always be in our minds. But time does pass, and the older I get the more I realize how important time is. Use it wisely. It is the ultimate gift each of us is given.
On being deaf- If someone had told me in my youth that I would someday be totally deaf, I don’t know how well I would have handled it. Over the years, I have struggled with this slow progression towards silence and the mindsets society has placed upon those of us who have trouble communicating with the mainstream. Like most people with hearing loss, I have navigated my journey through rude store clerks, discrimination in the workplace and even jerky people who we thought were sensitive and above treating us like secondhand citizens.
But there is an upside to this experience for sure. Strangely, I have experienced my greatest growth because of this experience. Losing my hearing has made me more sensitive to the plight of those on the outskirts of society, it has humbled me and made me really think about what someone else’s journey may be like. It has also made me determined to complete whatever goals I choose despite being deaf.
In the silence, I heard my own voice and I began to write and publish work. In my upcoming book, Living In The Color Magenta, I compare going deaf to smothering and drowning. That is what it always felt like to me. Going down, no one hearing you and having no voice. I have said it before, and I will say it again. If it weren’t for the Hearing Loss Association of America www.hearingloss.org over the last more than 25 years, I don’t know how well I would have fared. This organization gives people like me a place to go to advocate and share with others in our journey. Hearing loss is isolating, and like many others I have tremendous respect and gratitude for their work. This organization and the love of my family gave me courage when I really needed it. We need to always pay it forward.
I am very lucky to be living in an era where there is something called a cochlear implant. Helen Keller, Thomas Edision, Beethoven and so many others were not. Almost every week someone approaches me and asks me about this miraculous operation. I can wake up deaf, and put on my implants and be part of the hearing world. For this, I will always be grateful.
About gray (grey) hair-I remember finding my first gray hairs when I was 26 years old and pregnant with my first child. I was mortified. How could I already have grays? My hair was very dark brown, and I was still wearing a “Cher” hairdo with bangs and long dark tresses. The steely grays really stood out. Over the next 40 years, I went from dark brown to light brown, auburn, blonde and platinum. One day after being sick and not being able to make it to the colorist, I examined my shimmery grays showing through at the part and I just said, “I’m not doing this anymore.” I kind of liked that my natural pearly shade matches best with my dark Italian coloring, and it was very liberating to accept my new look and older self.
To each his own. I see many women ditching the bottle and feeling confident enough to be comfortable with their changing looks. Even my colorist told me in recent years, “You actually look younger with your own natural hair color, even though I lost a customer.” I appreciated that.
But growing older is about so much more than gray hair. Time is passing and we are becoming older and more vulnerable. There’s a greater chance for serious illness or a fall. That sometimes scares me. We lose lots of people we care for and love. These losses are profound.
I have always tried to be there for my children. I think every parent always feels they want to help their children if there is a crisis for as long as they live. But somewhere along the way, the tables turn and our kids become our strength. It’s beautiful to have wonderful children, but kind of shocking to witness this shift.
On being Italian- I will always be grateful for my strong Italian roots. Being the daughter of an immigrant parent allowed me to understand the plight of so many generations who have come to the U.S. My parents gave us a strong Christian faith, my Italian-born father’s love of opera and his garden were inspiring. My mother’s binding efforts to give us a traditional, strong family life complete with ethnic foods and rituals. Christmas, Easter Sunday, faith hope and patriotism… all of these were true gifts.
A few more observations-
Sometimes I can still hear my mother’s voice– At this stage of my life, I look so much like my mother, I almost expect her to answer back when I look in the mirror. My mother made it through some pretty tough stuff. As a child, I always felt she was so strong it was almost intimidating. But somehow, that shy little girl I used to be inherited some of her resilience. I am grateful for that gift. I recently was hospitalized after a fall and in serious condition. As I looked up and saw IV attached to one arm, a nurse taking blood from the other, while one nurse waited to take my temperature and blood pressure, I heard words like sepsis, 104 fever, put her in cardiac care, etc. Was my life in danger? How would my mother handle this? Suddenly, I could hear her firm voice speaking to the grim reaper saying, “I’m not going anywhere!” So I repeated that phrase in my mind and it gave me courage. I’ve had these moments before, andI suspect I will have them again.
On fathers and daughters- Fathers definitely have a lot to do with how a woman will see herself as worthy and lovable. I was lucky to have a father that instilled that in me and a good husband who gave that gift to his daughters.
On being in love- I’m glad that I have loved and been loved. Even though it hurts like hell when you lose someone, it is an experience to not be missed. It is one of the greatest gifts in life. No one can ever take that away from you.
Family- It’s all that matters. Period. So glad my daughters are not just sisters, but they have always been best friends.
On being a grandma- There is nothing like it! Love this little boy. I want to watch my grandson grow taller than me, watch him fall in love for the first time, hear his stories and keep that special connection we have forever.
On dogs- they really are nicer than people 🙂
Time- It all comes down to time well spent. How have you spent your time today? My kids told me they are holding me to living to 100 years old, and that’s 30 more years of good living for this deaf, gray and Italian lady. I’m sure there will be many more life lessons. I’m ready.
“Although Florence Henderson’s otosclerosis was apparently treated at a time that enabled her to benefit more than me, her picture as well as those staring out from those frames in my surgeon’s office reminded me that my former doctor was wrong in telling me that I would be unemployable by the age of 50. I was 45 years old at the time, and the stapedectomy served me well for another ten years until I received my first cochlear implant. ” mw
Photocredit: By Greg Hernandez, CC By 2.o (https://commons.wikimedia.org)
Like many Americans, I was shocked to learn this morning that Florence Henderson had passed away. She was health-oriented, slender and a seemingly ageless beauty. Her time on The Brady Bunch seemed to make her the eternal “mom” in her orange kitchen for those who are part of Generation X. But her life touched mine in a way she will never know. Like me, she had otosclerosis and she led a proactive example of how we can focus on solutions rather than problems. She continued to perform, despite the hearing loss few knew of.
In this condition, the bones in the inner ear called the stapes, anvil and the hammer become “arthritic” and stop stimulating sound. In addition, the tiny bones break and form blockages in the ear canal. This condition is more prevalent in young women of child-bearing age, but still, there are many men who develop this condition. It is often hereditary, although many bypass inheriting this condition.
Photo from www.nih.gov
For over a decade, I entrusted my hearing healthcare to one doctor for my healthcare. A huge mistake. He ended up being the head ENT doctor at a regional hospital so I trusted he was a pro. He told me there was no hope for me and that I would be “unemployable” by the time I was 50 years old. I remember feeling like I wanted to scream and vomit at the same time. The truth was the Americans with Disabilities Act was about to be signed and there was already an operation called a stapedectomy which could have helped me. The otosclerosis continued to permeate my ears and damage my hearing.
Then one day a friend with hearing loss recommended that I try her audiologist located on the Grand Concourse in the Bronx. Melanie drove me to his office on a crowded Bronx street with cars double parked, — a neighborhood I remembered visiting as a child with my parents for school clothes at the famed Alexander’s. Richard Cortez, M.S. was a kind and intelligent man. As my hearing declined, he witnessed many visits that ended with sobs and resistance to acceptance of my new “self.”
One day, Richard Cortez asked me if I ever heard of an operation called a stapedectomy where an artificial stapes is placed in the ear canal. I hadn’t. He gave me a small card with the name Alan Austin Scheer, MD. He assured me if there was any hope of helping me, this man could.
Dr. Scheer was considered “the” doctor to see for stapedectomies, and he even patented the prosthesis device that would later be inserted in my left ear. As I entered his office uptown on Park Avenue, I noticed a” wall of fame” containing pictures of celebrities he had operated on. People like me who had otosclerosis. Florence Henderson was the first to catch my eye. Then Lorne Greene and others. Below the pictures was a tapestry of Biblical quotes a woman had put together as a gift of gratitude for his work.
The quote that always stayed in my mind was “…and in that day, the deaf shall hear…” Isaiah 29:18-20.
Although Florence Henderson’s otosclerosis was apparently treated at a time that enabled her to benefit more than me, her picture and as well as those staring out from those frames on the dedicated “wall of fame” reminded me that my former doctor was wrong in telling me that I would be unemployable by the age of 50. I was 45 years old at the time, and the stapedectomy served me well for another ten years until I received my first cochlear implant. Today, many people with the same condition would probably be treated with Cochlear’s BAHA or a cochlear implant. And to stress my point, Florence Henderson continued to thrive for decades after receiving her bilateral stapedectomies. After her operation, Florence Henderson formed a longtime association with the famed House Ear Institute as well as many other charities.
To me, Florence Henderson put a face on this little-known condition called otosclerosis and I thank her for that. To me, it was not a “wall of fame” in the end, but a wall of hope. Despite the fact that her death has come as a shock, she knew how to live well. May she rest in peace.