A trip down to the shore just to listen to the waves crashing
Seagulls gliding through a blue sky, singing in their own unique language
Being able to hear the words, “I love you”
Walking through the woods and hearing the chatter of all the tiny critters and nature at its best
Celebrating a birthday and being able to hear the people I love sing the birthday song
Crickets singing their slumber song after a weary day
The heartbeat of the people and puppies I love
The intonation and emotion in someone’s voice and words
That clinking sound of two glasses and the words “cheers”
Doing my happy dance around the kitchen table to the tunes of my youth
Being able to hear the words “everything will be alright”
Hearing Auld Lang Syne at the stroke of midnight and knowing the world is rejoicing in the birth of a new year with me
Being able to talk on the phone and laugh and cry about life with friends and family
Being able to talk to my three-year-old grandson, and each of us being able to know and love each other through words
Just being part of the world around me and using all of my senses
How could the day go by without acknowledging the work of Graeme Clark who developed the “Bionic Ear” and Chief Scientist, Jim Patrick of Cochlear Corporation www.cochlear.com? All these wonderful sounds would never be possible for me without their hard work and dedication to our cause.
Do you ever look at someone and try to imagine who they were as a child or as a young adult?
Each of us has a story, with many chapters. In a few weeks I will celebrate my 70th birthday. For many of us, there are many versions of our “self” that include a younger version and the one that will always be in our minds. But time does pass, and the older I get the more I realize how important time is. Use it wisely. It is the ultimate gift each of us is given.
On being deaf- If someone had told me in my youth that I would someday be totally deaf, I don’t know how well I would have handled it. Over the years, I have struggled with this slow progression towards silence and the mindsets society has placed upon those of us who have trouble communicating with the mainstream. Like most people with hearing loss, I have navigated my journey through rude store clerks, discrimination in the workplace and even jerky people who we thought were sensitive and above treating us like secondhand citizens.
But there is an upside to this experience for sure. Strangely, I have experienced my greatest growth because of this experience. Losing my hearing has made me more sensitive to the plight of those on the outskirts of society, it has humbled me and made me really think about what someone else’s journey may be like. It has also made me determined to complete whatever goals I choose despite being deaf.
In the silence, I heard my own voice and I began to write and publish work. In my upcoming book, Living In The Color Magenta, I compare going deaf to smothering and drowning. That is what it always felt like to me. Going down, no one hearing you and having no voice. I have said it before, and I will say it again. If it weren’t for the Hearing Loss Association of America www.hearingloss.org over the last more than 25 years, I don’t know how well I would have fared. This organization gives people like me a place to go to advocate and share with others in our journey. Hearing loss is isolating, and like many others I have tremendous respect and gratitude for their work. This organization and the love of my family gave me courage when I really needed it. We need to always pay it forward.
I am very lucky to be living in an era where there is something called a cochlear implant. Helen Keller, Thomas Edision, Beethoven and so many others were not. Almost every week someone approaches me and asks me about this miraculous operation. I can wake up deaf, and put on my implants and be part of the hearing world. For this, I will always be grateful.
About gray (grey) hair-I remember finding my first gray hairs when I was 26 years old and pregnant with my first child. I was mortified. How could I already have grays? My hair was very dark brown, and I was still wearing a “Cher” hairdo with bangs and long dark tresses. The steely grays really stood out. Over the next 40 years, I went from dark brown to light brown, auburn, blonde and platinum. One day after being sick and not being able to make it to the colorist, I examined my shimmery grays showing through at the part and I just said, “I’m not doing this anymore.” I kind of liked that my natural pearly shade matches best with my dark Italian coloring, and it was very liberating to accept my new look and older self.
To each his own. I see many women ditching the bottle and feeling confident enough to be comfortable with their changing looks. Even my colorist told me in recent years, “You actually look younger with your own natural hair color, even though I lost a customer.” I appreciated that.
But growing older is about so much more than gray hair. Time is passing and we are becoming older and more vulnerable. There’s a greater chance for serious illness or a fall. That sometimes scares me. We lose lots of people we care for and love. These losses are profound.
I have always tried to be there for my children. I think every parent always feels they want to help their children if there is a crisis for as long as they live. But somewhere along the way, the tables turn and our kids become our strength. It’s beautiful to have wonderful children, but kind of shocking to witness this shift.
On being Italian- I will always be grateful for my strong Italian roots. Being the daughter of an immigrant parent allowed me to understand the plight of so many generations who have come to the U.S. My parents gave us a strong Christian faith, my Italian-born father’s love of opera and his garden were inspiring. My mother’s binding efforts to give us a traditional, strong family life complete with ethnic foods and rituals. Christmas, Easter Sunday, faith hope and patriotism… all of these were true gifts.
A few more observations-
Sometimes I can still hear my mother’s voice– At this stage of my life, I look so much like my mother, I almost expect her to answer back when I look in the mirror. My mother made it through some pretty tough stuff. As a child, I always felt she was so strong it was almost intimidating. But somehow, that shy little girl I used to be inherited some of her resilience. I am grateful for that gift. I recently was hospitalized after a fall and in serious condition. As I looked up and saw IV attached to one arm, a nurse taking blood from the other, while one nurse waited to take my temperature and blood pressure, I heard words like sepsis, 104 fever, put her in cardiac care, etc. Was my life in danger? How would my mother handle this? Suddenly, I could hear her firm voice speaking to the grim reaper saying, “I’m not going anywhere!” So I repeated that phrase in my mind and it gave me courage. I’ve had these moments before, andI suspect I will have them again.
On fathers and daughters- Fathers definitely have a lot to do with how a woman will see herself as worthy and lovable. I was lucky to have a father that instilled that in me and a good husband who gave that gift to his daughters.
On being in love- I’m glad that I have loved and been loved. Even though it hurts like hell when you lose someone, it is an experience to not be missed. It is one of the greatest gifts in life. No one can ever take that away from you.
Family- It’s all that matters. Period. So glad my daughters are not just sisters, but they have always been best friends.
On being a grandma- There is nothing like it! Love this little boy. I want to watch my grandson grow taller than me, watch him fall in love for the first time, hear his stories and keep that special connection we have forever.
On dogs- they really are nicer than people 🙂
Time- It all comes down to time well spent. How have you spent your time today? My kids told me they are holding me to living to 100 years old, and that’s 30 more years of good living for this deaf, gray and Italian lady. I’m sure there will be many more life lessons. I’m ready.
“Lasagna?” replied my daughter’s second-grade teacher. This was in response to hearing her answer to the question, “What do we eat on Thanksgiving Day?” Well, this is partly true, at least in my family. We ate lasagna AND turkey. But lasagna was always the superstar of the day. As it might first appear, food is a huge part of Thanksgiving for all of us. But it has taken me decades to decipher and realize what the day was really about and the lessons my parents taught us.
The day before Thanksgiving, my father would journey out from our home in West New Rochelle, NY to go to Arthur Avenue in the Bronx to hand pick huge tins brimming with fresh ricotta cheese, mozzarella, soppressata, anchovies, pecorino cheese, kalamata olives, stuffed green olives, chestnuts, figs, hazelnuts, filberts, loaves of warm Italian bread and other delectable yummies for the upcoming festivities.
It was the 1950s, and Santa Claus would arrive via helicopter shortly before Thanksgiving, landing in the parking lot of Arnold Constable, a local department store in my hometown. The night before Thanksgiving, our mothers would take a break from their baking, ditch their aprons, and prepare to stand out in the freezing cold in their house dresses bundled up with their families to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Children would be lifted above their parents’ shoulders to watch the marching bands and floats. Finally, the man in the red suit himself would ride his “sleigh” on a float down Main Street, past the Mayflower Dress Shop, F.W. Woolworth’s, Bloomingdale’s and the thriving downtown amid waving and cheering children.
Thanksgiving morning, the aroma of all my mother’s baked goods would permeate the house. The dining room table would display her labor of love, –mincemeat, pumpkin and apple pies, Italian ricotta cheesecake, strufoli (honey balls) and Italian cookies. The local football game between New Rochelle High School and Iona Prep would be televised in the living room, family members switching channels intermittently to catch a bit of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and Miracle on 34th Street.
For this was the official beginning of the Christmas season in my family. My mother would pull out her poinsettia or “Christmas Bells” tablecloth. Candy dishes would be filled with ribbon candy, candy canes, and foil-wrapped red and green chocolates. What I didn’t get until years later was that it wasn’t about the food at all.
My mother was orphaned at 12 years old. My father was raised by a single parent in Francavilla, Italy. They understood about bringing everyone to their table, celebrating life every chance they could and sharing. Often we would have so many people at our table, my mother would need to extend the table by rolling the kitchen table into the dining room to accommodate everyone. We were a family of seven children, but there was always room for more neighbors, friends, and family.
Otto, a jovial German-born man with a Humpty-Dumpty frame and a penchant for astrology and numerology would often celebrate with us. He was a co-worker of my father’s. My father’s boss, Ernie, a Hungarian Jew, and his wife were often invited. In the 1950s we had many Italian relatives who arrived from Italy knowing few people. They were often guests at our table. My father knew a few German phrases he learned from his long-time friendship with Otto. He also knew a little Yiddish learned from working with Ernie. It was interesting to hear the dialogue being exchanged in four languages in simple phrases or a native tongue across the table on Thanksgiving.
We always knew when the festivities were about to begin. We would hear our mother say, “Scram! Everyone out of my kitchen now!” Amid pots bubbling with vegetables preserved from my father’s garden, stuffing perfectly timed, a lasagna to die for, a turkey so huge it would put your back out for a week to lift and every inch of the oven occupied, you had better clear the pathway from the oven to the table because my mother meant business when she was ready to serve. She would trek back and forth on the maroon and gray paisley linoleum from the oven to the table proudly displaying each of her own personal creations.
As we gathered, the simple unadorned chandelier would be lit. My father uncorked a bottle of his homemade wine. My mother’s “good” china with etchings of colonial women in long dresses promenading with men in powdered wigs was set. We had glasses and silverware from S&H Green Stamps. The feast was about to begin. I thought we were rich. Maybe we were.
Plates would be filled, and if a guest cleaned their plate without asking for seconds, my father would ask, “What, you gave up?” Before the guest could even respond, my mother would be scooping more food on their plate. That’s Italian! If my sisters and brothers or I left anything on our plates, my father would quickly remind us that there is someone in the world who was starving. My sister Lucille always wanted the wishbone and loved to challenge someone to split it. She always seemed to know how to win the challenge.
So, you might ask, how about an attitude of gratitude and giving thanks? Our faith was the core of our values. Sure, we gave cans of food at Thanksgiving. We went to church and prayed. We offered thanks for all we had, but my parents always had a soft spot for someone alone or who may have fallen on hard times ANY day of the year.
I remember in grade school, an African-American family that lived around the corner from us lost everything in a house fire. The children in the family were approximately the same ages as my siblings and I. When my mother heard of the fire, she woke us up early and instructed us to look through our clothes and give her anything that didn’t fit us anymore. The clothes were quickly placed in boxes for the family. So she got a message to the family, and they quickly accepted the offer. My mother grew up during the depression era. She often spoke of not owning a winter coat in her adolescent years. I remember seeing one of the children that were a victim of the house fire on the playground wearing a gray and turquoise tweed dress coat that had been mine. It never hit me until years later how that act of kindness must have impacted that family.
So when my father retired from his factory job, after 35 years and their children were grown and out of the house, my parents would go to the supermarket once a week and shop for groceries. They would do one round of shopping for themselves and another round of dry and canned goods for a local soup kitchen.
This is what I remember about Thanksgiving, and I am grateful for these early lessons. Happy Thanksgiving to you as you gather with your circle of family and friends who are family.